I must have been a bad person in a previous life all the shit that keeps coming my way at the moment.
Had the most awful weekend, I had to my final goodbye to a much loved family member, my horse Branston.
Branston was a huge part of my life for over 30 years, with me from childhood and through some of the best and worst times of my life. It was a sudden illness and I had to make the decision to let him fly free with the angels.
Totally and utterly heartbroken. My head tells me I did the right thing but my heart is now giving me the guilt trip.
Do you think it’s common to feel guilty afterwards? I keep thinking – what if I’d got to the yard earlier? What if I’d tried some different drugs for him? What if I’d kept him in a different field?
I know it’s not going to change anything but on top of everything else that’s going on (see previous post if you’ve missed it) I can’t sleep and at 3am these thought just won’t go away.
This weekend hubby has been a rock for me. He knew how much that horse meant to me and was was by my side all weekend taking care of the practical things (like disposing of Branson’s body – I didn’t want to be there when they took him away – the last thing you want to see on a day like that is just how they maneuver them across the yard into the lorry to take them away, it’s brutal)
He cooked the meals and sorted out the house and just for a while it was like it used to be – just me and him. No affair, no potential baby (no, I still haven’t done the test) and no arguments.
I wish we could go back to that all the time. Right now life sucks 😦