Sweet Dreams My Boy x

I must have been a bad person in a previous life all the shit that keeps coming my way at the moment.

Had the most awful weekend, I had to my final goodbye to a much loved family member, my horse Branston.

Branston was a huge part of my life for over 30 years, with me from childhood and through some of the best and worst times of my life. It was a sudden illness and I had to make the decision to let him fly free with the angels.

Totally and utterly heartbroken. My head tells me I did the right thing but my heart is now giving me the guilt trip.

Do you think it’s common to feel guilty afterwards? I keep thinking – what if I’d got to the yard earlier? What if I’d tried some different drugs for him? What if I’d kept him in a different field?

I know it’s not going to change anything but on top of everything else that’s going on (see previous post if you’ve missed it) I can’t sleep and at 3am these thought just won’t go away.

This weekend hubby has been a rock for me. He knew how much that horse meant to me and was was by my side all weekend taking care of the practical things (like disposing of Branson’s body – I didn’t want to be there when they took him away – the last thing you want to see on a day like that is just how they maneuver them across the yard into the lorry to take them away, it’s brutal)

He cooked the meals and sorted out the house and just for a while it was like it used to be – just me and him. No affair, no potential baby (no, I still haven’t done the test) and no arguments.

I wish we could go back to that all the time. Right now life sucks 😦

 

One Affair and a Pregnancy Test

Where do I even start. I started writing this as a way of being able to be honest with myself.

To be able to write down all my thought and feelings without judgement. I think I got a bit lost but I’m here again and need to get this all out.

I’m so stupid – I’m in a 20 year relationship thats going nowhere. I thought I’d spend my life with him even though we are more like friends than partners now.

He works away a lot and I get bored. I’ve strayed a few times but I wouldn’t leave him – he’s my rock. He’s always been there but sometimes I get bored.

Well all that has come back to smack me in the face hasn’t it – I think he is the one having an affair.

It’s little things – at first when this new ‘friend’ came into his life through his work that’s all I heard about – Sally this, Sally that (not her real name!) and then it went quiet. He stopped talking about her which I thought was odd.  Turns out her husband has accused him of having an affair with her and breaking up their marriage.

I didn’t pay much attention at first, just laughed it off – he wouldn’t do that to me. But the seeds of doubt were planted.

So I became more aware of his actions. He used to leave his phone lying around unlocked. Not any more – it’s always in his pocked, locked. He has it on vibrate so it never sounds when he has messages. He even takes it to the bathroom with him.

He left his wallet in the kitchen last weekend so I has a nose – 2 bits of paper hidden away with 2 different mobile phone numbers on for her.

She’s left her husband and moved into a cottage on the estate where he works in the summer months – until this year it was always July – Nov but last week he says he had a call from the manage to say they desperately needed him to go there for 3 weeks next month to help out. Coincidence? I should also say she’s the secretary for the business so I do wonder who’s idea that really was?

So there’s no real ‘hard proof’ is there – only circumstantial evidence.

Why don’t I just ask him? I’m not sure I’m ready to hear what comes out of his mouth and if I do will it be the truth anyway?

And you want to know the real irony of all of this? In 18 years we haven’t had a single ‘accident’ in the bedroom department and yet here I am right here, right now with a pregnancy test in my hand.

My heart is pounding and I feel sick but I just can’t seem to make myself go and use it.

I’m only 3 weeks late so plenty of time – maybe it’s just stress?, early menopause? I don’t know. The only thing I do know is I feel completely out of control. I don’t have family or close friends to turn to. It’s always been just me, him and our daughter.

So what to do? I think I’m going to bury my head in the sand for a little while longer until I manage to put on my big girl pants and do the test and ask him what the hell is going on.

 

Do you like Christmas?

I don’t. Trying to put my finger on why though is a little more tricky.

I’m not a Christian so I suppose that’s a start. Christmas to me is about celebrating the birth of Jesus and what he represented to so many people. If that’s what you choose to believe in then no problem – none of my business.

I am Wiccan. If you look back through the history books a lot of Christian beliefs and traditions actually came from Pagan origins. (Wicca is also derived from Pagan origins)

All I see when I look around at this time of year is a huge commercial opportunity for businesses.

Friends and family celebrate with parties that are full of cheap booze and presents – where is Jesus in all of this?

I celebrate with my Goddess and my God everyday – nature is all around me and I am happiest when I outside surrounded by it.

My partner and daughter are Christian and like the decorations, the cards and the presents and that’s fine – I respect their choice and our house currently looks like Santa’s grotto!

But I’m sitting here feeling sad – like I don’t belong. I’ll smile, greet the festive visitors (apparently they can’t find our house the rest of the year?) and exchange the right words to keep everyone happy but do I like Christmas?

No I really don’t!

Facebook. Where seemingly intelligent people turn stupid

I only friend people on Facebook who I actually know . And in real life they seem like normal, well balanced people .  So why is it that they are filling up my timeline with scam posts that they think are real?
Giveaway BA tickets, trips to Disney land , luxury RVs, Landrovers, saying Amen to raise money – the list is endless!

What irritates me more is that I point out the error of their ways and get responses like “well it can’t hurt to try”

Actually  – it can!!

These pages are ‘like farms’ They get people to like and share the page and when they have enough they change the page name to something like  ‘Red hot readers wives’ Now all your friends think you’re a pervert!

And I have no sympathy because you are stupid for believing that you can get something for nothing .

There’s no such thing as a free lunch so next time you share that too good to be true scam make sure you’re not on my friends list first please, save me the trouble of deleting you!

Is there an age limit on friends?

I first met David and his wife Laura about 10 years ago. They used the services of a business that I worked for at the time. They live just up the road from me and even when they no longer used the business I still saw them around and we always stopped for a chat.

Sadly Laura died about a year ago and David decided to travel alone for a bit as he didn’t want to stay in the house alone.

He asked me to have his key, collect and forward his post & generally keep an eye on the place which I was more than happy to do.

David’s back now after 6 months away and feels in a better place. We’ve met up for coffee and had a good old natter about his travels. He’s decided he’s like to rescue an older dog for a bit of companionship and I’ve been helping him look for the right one.

Now I don’t consider anything about our friendship to be different than any of my other friendships – until my friend Louise stated one day “You can’t be real friends with him – he’s like your grandad’s age!”

Well, yes he is but what of it?

He’s about 30 years my senior (I’m guessing as I haven’t actually asked David how old he is!) but does it really matter?

He’s kind, caring, funny and I enjoy chatting to him so I ask you – Is there an age limit on friends?

It’s not like dating where you set say a 10 year each way limit on what’s acceptable – why should friendships be defined by age?

Now you tell me!

love-hearts20 years too late! That’s how I feel about a recent revelation from my friend Tom.

You see, Tom and I went to uni together. We were friends supporting each other through the trials and tribulations of university life and pretending we were grown up enough to know about love.

Of course, once uni was over we went our separate ways and I didn’t hear from him again until about 5 years ago (don’t forget in those ‘olden days’ the Internet was a relatively new idea!)

Tom’s moved around since we last saw each other, several different careers, several different girlfriends and now not even living in the UK. Looking at his Facebook profile you would think he had it all – pretty girlfriend (ok, not really I think she looks like a bush pig but I’m trying to be grown up about it) 2 children (not actually his!) and a dream job on a pretty Island.

Over the last 5 years we have exchanged tons of emails, texts, messages etc and I am always pleased to hear from him – he makes me laugh and I suppose he makes me feel young again as that’s what I was when we first met.

But Tom’s messages have changed recently – it started with some light flirting and the hint that all was not well in paradise. Turns out, his g/f is a self absorbed spoilt bitch for whom he can never do things good enough. The children refuse to accept discipline from him as he’s not their ‘real’ dad and he’s got itchy feet!

Now I put this down to a mid-life crisis – Tom’s 46 this year and aren’t all men supposed to go through a phase of wanting fast cars and even faster women?

He’s decided to tell me that he’s always fancied me but never had the balls to tell me. You would think in all those drunken nights we had at uni he would have found the words/actions just once? We never so much as held hands!

Apparently not! I am his biggest regret, his lost love. Oh please, pass me the sick bucket.

So what to do? Be an adult and tell him to suck it up and make an effort in his relationship to get things back on track? That would be the adult thing to do. However, when I’m ‘with’ him I just can’t be an adult – I’m that 20 year old student just looking for the next thing to distract me in my life. I’m free and single, no kids, no job, no adulting!

And so it began several months ago – the light hearted flirting and exchanging slightly cringy text messages. Progressing to more explicit messages and the exchange of drunken photos. You’ve heard of sexting right? Well, our sexting would make E L James blush!

I seem to have lost my mind. He’s what I think about last thing at night and first thing in the morning. He’s always in my head. I go through my days imagining what my life would be like with him and whether he will live up to all the wild promises he’s made?

Reality check – I know him well enough to know he’s never going to leave her. He’s not going to leave a job he loves a move to another country to start all over again.

But – Oh My God, a girl can dream …..

 

Heading South?

As the tag line says – Is this it?

Let’s start with the facts.

40 years old and single (well OK not technically single but not married either, we’ll discuss this more later)

Don’t own my own house (always more exciting things to spend money on – clothes, shoes, holidays – you get the idea)

Part time job (quit the full time working – what a nightmare!)

Always skint

Social leper

All of a sudden I feel like the end is in sight – 40 years of my life gone in the blink of an eye and nothing to show for it.

Is 40 classed as mid-life nowadays? Yes, I know – get off the pity train, leave the pity party, you made your bed (um? probably not!) blah blah

Things change at 40. It’s not just a number, it represents a milestone in your life where (according to who exactly?) you stop and take stock of what you’ve achieved as an adult.

Your attitude changes – or at least mine has – Most people bore me. Talking the same shit day in day out. “How’s the husband, job, kids, investment fund?” – seriously there has to be more! So no longer do I surround myself with boring people. I’m happy to walk away from boring conversations and boring people. If that means being alone then so be it – I’m happy in my own company. I don’t need society to validate me!

Your body changes and not for the good. Gravity is a bitch ain’t she? Pulling everything south. A quick workout at the gym once a week just isn’t enough anymore. Now it’s morning stretches (just to get dressed), lunchtime with Davina and evenings spent in the bathroom with hair dyes, hair removers and 999 on speed dial just in case you slip in the bath and can’t get up. You may laugh but can you imagine how mortified you’d be in that situation when that young hottie in a paramedics uniform turns up to scrape you off the floor and you’re semi naked with black hair dye all around your hair line and bikini wax still in situ? Gutted 😦

Are women allowed to have a mid-life crisis? For men it’s all about fast cars and fast women. Sowing their few final crinkled oats before harvest if finally over. But what about us ladies? What does a mid-life crisis look like for us?

Answers on a e-card please 🙂